How do you know what you’re feeling, and why you feel that way? The answer might seem complicated, however, it starts with self-validation.
The concept of self-validation is an idea that is often learned throughout one’s life, yet not explicitly taught in an educational setting. For some, learning how to self-validate comes from caregivers, friends, or is a habit that is built through self-awareness over time. People who self-validate on a regular basis are more likely to be emotionally intelligent, communicate their needs in ways that are effective, and have quality relationships.
Often times when a person hears the word “validate” they may be thinking about payment reimbursement for parking their vehicle. However, the word “validate” in relation to human emotions and behavior is different.
Self-validation is about acknowledging and expressing one’s own internal experience. Understanding one’s emotional experience and making sense of it takes practice.
It starts with mindfulness. Yes, that thing you have heard about before that’s supposed to be helpful and important for the brain and stress management. Self-validation requires awareness and attention, which is in turn, mindfulness. Below are three simple steps to build one’s habit of self-validation.
Step 1:
Noticing you’re feeling. Naming that feeling is the first step of self-validation. Try using “I feel _______.” Notice what is happening in your body and what your thoughts sound like. It is not as important to come up with the “perfect” word to describe your feeling, the goal is to have an idea of your emotional experience.
Example: “My hands are clenched, my thoughts are going fast and saying ‘what if this happens, or what if this happens…” That sounds like nervousness, anxiety, or fear.
Try using a subjective unit of distress (SUD) or in other words, a number from 0 to 10. 0 = low and 10 = high. The higher the number or intensity, the more distracting the emotion may be.
Example: “This nervousness feels like a 7 out of 10. It is not the worst I have ever felt, though it sure feels strong right now.”
Step 2:
Build some understanding of the feeling. Trying using “That feeling makes sense because __________.” This is effort of acknowledging the circumstances of your emotional experience. Your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions are all connected. Trying to make sense of it helps to ease intensity. Think, “what are reasons why this feeling is here?”
Example: “It makes sense that I am nervous because public speaking is hard for a lot of people.”
Step 3:
Work with the feeling. Depending on the circumstances, you may want to hold that feeling for some time. You may also want to focus your thoughts and energy on a different feeling in order to navigate the situation at hand. Remind yourself that it is reasonable and OK to feel the way that you do, just as a supportive friend would say to you. This is an opportunity to use some relaxation or coping skills to increase the emotional experience you desire.
Example: “It is OK to be nervous; my nervousness is telling me I value this presentation.”
Though these three steps may seem simple, understanding emotions takes practice. The more one acknowledges their emotional experience, the stronger self-validation skills become over time. Practice makes progress!